Party preparations continue apace. Vinye's cousins are agreed to come, a pleasant surprise. It is my understanding that they seldom frequent parties outside of their clan.

It is my habit, after dinner with the children, to leave them to their own devices under Heiye's supervision in the garden or indoors. Today I happened to come downstairs to talk to Cook about the welfare of the pantry, and pausing on the veranda I saw Pang and Heiye practicing with sticks for swords, with Pen sketching them.

Pang practicing is a good thing. Heiye learning the sword is something impossible to cope with, for it is forbidden to any slave, especially a lowland one. I will not interfere, for now, for he is doing no harm and they are admirable in keeping it hidden. Pen's sketching I shall also allow, for it would be criminal of me to suppress natural talent. As long as both of my twins keep their strangenesses to themselves and between themselves, under cover of twilight, I have no objections.

I love those days when I can do nothing but talk to Mishta and meditate on my life. It is both calming and pleasant, and she is often sensible. Mishta is a very dear friend.

Mishta thinks I should visit Sev. She also thinks I should leave well enough alone with Min. As she pointed out, in political games such as these, there are often no winners. Too much intrigue and the priesthood or the imperial family or the judges will have to take notice, and that would not be pretty.

I won't visit Sev, though, for I am finding it a relief to let him handle his highness and Dri. I shall be displeased if he does not return home soon, however, quite displeased.

It rained hard again today. The cold seeps in through every window and every screen, and it was chill indeed in the temple, though they set braziers going. I am ready for the rains to end, I truly am.

It rained unseasonally hard today. I have just finished a bath, and I sit here with my hair drying. It is caught up with two hairsticks, that jingle with tiny bells when I move. They are a set that Sev is fond of. He likes to run his fingers through my hair as it is drying, for he says it is the one time that he feels he can get away with it without destroying my hairstyle. I smell like almonds after a bath, so he tells me. If he were here this evening, we'd feed each other candy and talk for hours.

The reason for my bath is that the children have yet to learn that when riding in mud, one becomes muddy. All five of us, we two ladies and the three children, ended up coated in a fine layer of muck. The children have gone to bed early and will be staying inside tomorrow because I simply refuse to go through that much dirt again.

Heiye occupied himself during the riding lesson, as usual, with the servants of Min's household. Two interesting things came out of this. She has known Dri since shortly after his arrival in the capital, and he often has his tea parties at her home. Since he has been gone, she has continued to host them. It is doubtless political, but Sev is dealing with it. The other interesting note is that Heiye juggled for us on our carriage ride home. It was quite pleasant.

I went through today as if through a daze, and got little sleep last night. I met with Hideki in the graveyard yesterday, and it was hard to listen to him. I found myself tongue tied.

He asked me how someone in my family could be so conservative. How someone in my family could betray their progressive values, passed on from the woman he loved to Sev to his children, as he is sure they were. He asked me if I wasn't ashamed of myself for it.

I do not think I shall consider him a friend any further. I cannot stand it. I sat there, unable to speak, for I could think of naught to say. I respected the old man too much to be harsh with him. It is very seldom that words fail me, and more seldom still that they do so so painfully. I reread some of Sev's letters this evening, and I am reminded that strange and intolerable and awful as my family can be, they love me.

I do not think so highly of my parents as that, nor of my sister, but my husband and my children do love me. Whether I uphold the family values or no. Sev is not his mother, nor am I her. Our children are most definitely nothing like her, for they both lack her subtlety. Unsettling as it may have been, I shall now set the conversation behind me. Let it be done.

I am not wrong to consider myself a part of my family.

My family loves me.

Folded letter pressed between two pages:

Lady Uru,

I must ask if your husband is a bit mad. My teacher laughed today until he could neither breath nor speak, and then continued to laugh without breath. I and the lowlander left him to recover himself and the lowlander begged that I not ask what he said to him. He went to his knees to beg me. My teacher has strange friends, though when asked he said he was your friend, not my teacher's.

Lately I have been hitting things with a large stick. My teacher says that it develops the proper attitude to use a stick and not a sword, but it makes it hard for people around me to keep smiles from their expressions, and that is to their detriment. I told him this, and he told me that self control is good for the spirit. I asked why he had so little of it, then, and he said it was because his spirit was good enough already.

He made me laugh. This evening I asked him what the lowlander said and he said, "He pretended to know what my wife was thinking." What was so funny about what you were thinking? Answer carefully.

In my own hand,
His Imperial Highness, Prince Hinata

Today a maid shamed me before my friends. She dropped one of our teapots, burning herself and staining the floor with it. Cook beat her. Her name escapes me, for the moment. She might be Cook's daughter.

I have recieved some few responses to my invitations, all positive. Master Hideki sent a note with his apologies and offering to meet me in the place where we first met in two day's time. He is being quite strange, but he does not play at politics, so I am unconcerned. That is, I am unconcerned at the moment, but I shall grow concerned based on our continued conversation.

As to what to say to his highness, I do not know. I do not know what was said, or how it was said, or tone, though I can tell it amused Sev. If I had to guess, I would say that Dri claimed I had done something out of character for me, and Sev laughed in his face. That could be anything from infidelity to friendship with him to spending more than my usual amount of time with the children to considering the suit of Min's son for my daughter. I can think of naught else that he would suggest to Sev.

His highness I shall tell, I think, that I have known Dri only a few months, and that Dri considers himself an expert on people. I shall tell him that Dri has done his best to befriend me because he is interested in my husband. I shall tell him that doubtless Dri made some claim on that friendship, and that my husband thought it ridiculous that Dri should claim such knowledge of his wife.

All of this is true, for lying to his highness would be a capital offense. I shall avoid speculating as to the details, as I cannot know and do not want to inadvertantly mislead his highness. That is, I think, all I can do. The thought of writing the letter makes my throat tighten, but I shall set myself to that task now so that it may leave first thing in the morning.

I watched Pang's sword lesson today. His teacher is patient with him, letting him learn the forms at the pace that Pang sets, but not allowing his mind to wander. Pang with a sword in his hand is strange to see, but he is light on his feet and quick with it. I did not think his teacher had any complaints, but seeing them work together confirmed it. Master Lee, so stern with me, was smiling. His coloring is darker than Pang's by a shade, for he wears a good deal of brown and black and his skin is tanned mahogany by time in the sun. While Pang's skin is the same basic shade, just as mine or his sister's, his skin is quite a few shades lighter, sheltered as he has been. Even lighter is my own and his sister's, for we sit in the sun far less. Pang often takes his lessons in the gardens, and goes out after dinner in the twilight to catch fireflies for lanterns and play games of tag with Heiye, who should not take such liberties.

It is somewhat strange to see a man with long hair, but Master Lee has such. Long and dark, though shorter than mine, and a hair less like a crow's wing, for it is dull and dark rather than shiny and dark. I suppose he does not comb it with anything. Pang's teacher is very handsome, unlike my husband. My husband is scarred, and his nose is too sharp. His eyes laugh too much, and when he grins it is not friendly. He does not tend to sit still very well unless he is in a terrible mood, and always in the night he is moving around and squirming until I must admit, I wish to kick him.

Perhaps, injured, he would be more docile in his movements. He must be nearly better now, for his infection was two months ago and his nurses are beginning to wean him away from the poppy. I could sit on his bed and minister to him.

Idle daydreams come to me at odd moments, when Sev is away. I suppose a woman's mind is designed in such a way as to keep it firmly on her wifely duty, so that she will not forget herself. It is either that or I am a little strange.

In addition, while watching the children at their riding lesson today Min and I had a chance for a chat. I considered speaking of important things, but inspired by watching Pang's lesson I asked instead, "What do you think your son shall do with his inheritance, when he is grown? Will he join the army, Lady Jai?"

She did not look at me during her answer. "My son will do great things, I have no doubt, but as to what they are, no, I do not know."

"I am not quite sure I wish for my son to follow his father's footsteps, but I cannot fault an honorable goal."

In truth, I can fault it, and shall continue to do so.

"My husband has no need to inform me of his plans for Mithras."

I smiled. "I understand completely, dear Jai."

After that, we stood companionably and watched the children at their riding. Pen surpasses Pang at it, and Mithras surpasses them both by dint of early practice.

Heiye tells me that Mishta is doing much better, and asked his opinion of Pang's teacher of the warrior arts, said this. "Imperial warriors scare me, but he does not seem the sort that is the worst."

I asked him, "Does my husband scare you?"

His answer was, "Sometimes, when he looks at me, when the lord master was home, it was as if he was not seeing me. I seemed to trouble him, and that scared me."

"My lord husband is a complicated man, but you will not be harmed here except as part of proper discipline."

"I know, lady mistress," he said, making me uncomfortable all over again. He has adjusted well, too well almost. I do not think I could so easily adjust to being a slave. Perhaps there is truth in the saying that everyone is born into the place that they are destined to be, though I know Heiye was born free and taken as a slave by the army. He suits his life very well.

While it had been my plan to spend my day in solemn work, I found myself restless. To the market I travelled, to buy cloth and order necessities. I did finish some little work, but usurping Cook's duties has not gone unpunished. She scolded me for half an hour this evening as I ate by the fire.

In working on my list of invitations I decided to invite Hideki, and I plan to encounter him and inquire as to who, if anybody, would do well to be invited in addition to him to provide for him company and conversation. I am not willing to let things between us stand as they are, so unexplained and strange.

While I would normally have spent the afternoon with the children, Pen chose to absent herself and go dancing. She feels the need to practice her new art, which I can only applaude.

I shall send the invitations tomorrow. I shall also send Heiye to check on Mishta's welfare.

Pen and I were called on today to pray for Mishta, who has been taken by quite the fever. Pen was quite eloquent in her words.

"Lady goddess, this is your handmaiden Mishta. If it pleases you, please heal her. She is very pretty and wonderful, and a good person. If you heal her, I will ask my lady-mother to tithe to you more than usual, in payment, and in gratitude. I ask this of you as Uru Pen. In devotion does my spirit lie."

I shall arrange a bonus for her teacher of religion and etiquette tomorrow.

The children came home in tremendous moods today and Pang and I proceeded to play seven rounds of soldiers on various terrains and in various scenarios. I let him win a few times, he won once, and the rest we called off because of massive casualties.

To celebrate the good weather, and to give myself something to do, I have decided to hold another party. With the spring festival still two months away, it should give everyone a lovely excuse to celebrate the warmer weather.
I can invite all sorts of people and make quite the grand occasion.

Why I am doing this voluntarily can be put down to my boredom. There are too few parties in the winter months and early spring.

Folded letter pressed between two pages:

My lady,

You have already heard his highness' gossip. Rest assured that I have not killed your precious friend.

I will if you want me to.

The light is too bright here. Everything has sharp edges and I am tired. It is not fair that I have to put up with this. Have not I put up with enough? I sacrifice and sacrifice and never have anything to show for it. I might as well just die, and be done with it. Giving my life for my country would be a good cause. Truly, as you know me, you know that I seriously consider giving up and crawling into a dark hole and never coming out again. My life is empty and meaningless, I am alone and unloved. Nothing is working, and I am tired of everything.

With all that said, your precious friend is a great deal of fun to talk to, but has not yet told me why he visits. As I am sure you are aware, he is interesting to try to understand, so for now, I wait, watch, and threaten to use his women to sow his fields with cabbages. Well, salt. I feel that salt trees would be good for his country's economy, you see.

All that said, I believe that whatever he wanted with you is now finished. I will take care of this, my love. Do not fear for it, and feel free to brag about me to all your friends.

Ever yours,
Sechi

I save Sev's letters for the evenings before I do my writing, so that I may complain about them here. Today, I have two things to say about them. The first is that he needs to stop whining. I would desperately love that. The second is that he is so mercurial, it amazes me. He whines, he gripes, he reassures, he says nasty things about people we dislike. I am still worried about him, but I cannot help but feel that it is alright.

Which is what he wants me to feel, for he is manipulative above all else. He drives me mad.

With all that said, today I finalized my dress pattern and spent half the day sitting in the garden, wrapped up in a shawl. It was cool, but I had tea and was pleased with it.

I'm going to bring Pen with me to temple next week. I feel she would get along well with Mishta, and they could talk about dancing.

I watched Pen perform a short piece from a play by the master, then joined her teacher to demonstrate the way it would work with a partner. I think Pen was impressed, and I was pleased with the level of skill I still retained in the dancing of birds. You cannot dance bird dances at parties, because men want to dance too. I haven't danced bird in far too long, though I prefer a dance about pairing and love to a dance about reverance and grace.

Min told me today when I picked up the children, "Apparently your son has been violent with mine."

The boy looked fine. "He cannot have been so violent," I observed. "Your son is still standing."

"My lady Uru," she said sharply, "Keep in mind their difference in station."

"Oh, indeed," I said, "My son is the head of our household in his father's absence, you know."

She had nothing to say to that. My children were very smug. I forgot to scold them.

Hideki was meeting with a group of scholars today and failed to accept my invitation to tea. I should not like to think that I had offended him somehow, but we did argue somewhat fiercely during our last tea.

I plan to look in on the dancing lesson tomorrow.

Len and Meyni came before me today for permission to be wed. He shall be leaving his job to work for her mother at the guest house, and with the added expense of another tutor, I think it best not to hire another gardener. Heiye is competent at it and that is, after all, why I bought him.

The morning was spent in congress with Min and Tala about dresses, though Min still declined to produce her own designs. She deigned to go over ours, however, and pronounced the materials I had bought for my family suitable. Her acceptance of my good judgement is ever so appreciated.

The spring festival will be when Len and Meyni marry and when the year's fashions come into play. It shall be a gay day, and I cannot help but think that my two followers are rushing things slightly. I can only suppose the pleasures of marriage lure them.

I enjoyed myself today. It was fun.

Our goddess is not a goddess of action. Her waters are smooth and unruffled. Whatever touches her surface, her deep waters are untouched. There she waits, between the father and the son, receptive but not reactive, the perfect woman.

I am not quite so perfect, but slowly I learn patience. I meditated today until Mishta fetched me, and then had lunch with her. I think she saw that I was not in a mood for conversation, and we walked along the lake together for some hours before I returned home.

My evening I spent quietly with the children.

I invited Pang's swordmaster to take tea with me today. It was strange, for he was perfectly polite and yet spoke of nothing interesting. I do not think he likes me.

The riding lesson went more smoothly today, I think. Pang seemed very pleased. Lessons twice a week seem to be a good compromise between the necessity of learning and the unpleasantness of their riding partner.

When I asked Heiye why Pang was happy, he replied, "The young master outranks his lordship and finds it pleasant."

"How does he outrank him?" I asked.

"He is the head of the household, lady-mistress."

Which was technically true, it just did not often occur to me.

The sky was blue today for the first time that I have noticed. On the twin's birthday it was pale and misty. There were no clouds, and the children played in the garden with Heiye to watch them.

I asked Min this morning, "Have you seen Lord Dri lately, lady?"

She answered, "No. I think he was called away, but I do not know where."

I think she was lying, but I am not sure.

I want to write Sev. I want to call him five times an idiot. I want to ask if he is planning to play with his friend all year. I want to say that the children might have liked him being home for their birthday for once. I want to ask about his dreams and order his man to keep watch over him. I want to grab Dri by the collar and drag him off and dump him in the river.

Sev doesn't take care of himself. The first time he came home, he was manic with it. His dreams were violent and as for what he told me of them - it gave me bad dreams too.

That passage was useless. Fretting is womanish. I need none of this, and Sev would despise it.

Folded letter pressed between two pages

Lady Uru,

I write this on the day of the moon, while your husband recieves a visitor. Pitiful lowlander that he is, he could barely bring himself to speak to me. I know neither his name nor his face, but your husband took one look at him and declared that they probably need to chat, whatever that means. I can only assume it means that he is someone who serves your husband, for why else would it be important?

Your husband is my beloved teacher, but he has odd ways. This morning he sent me away with instructions to fetch water from the river until I washed away all the color in the water, which if you think logically about it makes no sense. The nurses assured me that he has no fever, but have lowered his poppy dose so that he will talk sense.

He is done talking, but they're shouting now. I am going to throw the man out to let teacher rest. I wish I understood the language they were using.

In my own hand,
His Imperial Highness, Prince Hinata

The shopping trip was wonderful, but the letter I have just read raises three points. The first, why is Dri at Sev's bedside? The second, Sev is only four days, or five, away from the capital, not the week I had imagined, given the speed of the letter. The last, Sev is having his nightmares again.

I can do nothing here.

I thought to take Pen shopping today, but she fell asleep, leaning on her brother's shoulder, and I let them sleep. Their new lessons tax their energy greatly.

Rather than bother anyone else, I went to the temple to meditate. Mishta and I talked regarding vocation and marriage. I would let Pen be a priestess if she was called to that, but art is not a vocation, it is a pleasant occupation. Mishta, whose parents still write her asking her to reconsider, makes me question my wisdom, but I believe Pen will be the better for marriage. I have found love and fulfillment in mine, and she is very much as I was in my youth. We shall go shopping tomorrow.